It was interesting the other day to see a Bloomberg article entitled Japanese Women Hunt for Husbands as Refuge from Deeping Slump by Toru Fujioka. It was interesting for me for a few reasons. One, I had been beta testing a new application called The Internet Time Machine

that has an uncanny accuracy of actually predicting the future, or at least, “soon to be hot topics and niches”. One update from the Time Machine that I got a few months ago showed a surge in search terms in Japanese for phrases like “how to find a husband” and “single men to marry”, yet search results were staying stagnant or not keeping up with the new demand. They recommended an ebook in Japanese as a niche way to make money on this surge while no one was noticing.
I was curious to see if this was real developing cultural shift or if it was a blip on the screen in this massive recession. I tracked down Chris Demetrakos, an advertising executive who is single and has been living in Japan for over 15 years. He and his friends advise other single men on dating culture and cultural norms of Japanese Society.

SMS: So Chris, I understand this article fired you up?

Are you kidding? “I am in need of money, so I think I’ll find a guy to support me.” Look at the title:

“…seek husbands as shelter from deepening economic slump…”

The second paragraph:

“I want to get married soon, hopefully by the end of this year,” said Iwate, a 36-year-old employee at a mail-order retailer in Tokyo. “The recession made me realize I’m not going to make as much money as I expected, and I’d be more stable financially if I had double income to fall back on.”

When was the last time you thought to yourself, “Gee, I’d like to be married by the end of this year to someone wealthy so I won’t have to work”?

SMS: Do you encounter this type of woman frequently?

CD: I have this conversation all the time, and it always ends the same. A female friend called me up a while back and asked me to join her and two other friends. I asked the one sitting in the middle, call her Yoko, about herself. After the usual banter, she said, “I want to find a husband.” Here it comes, I thought.
“Ok, so what kind of guy are you hoping to meet?”
She said, “I want to meet a rich guy, someone who has a lot of money,” and laughed a little uncomfortably.

I read an article about some love guru woman named Leil Lowndes who talks about “equity” as it pertains to relationships. The stereotypical buxom-blonde-meets-70-year-old-uber-rich-guy is the quintessential example. Each party brings something the other desires to the relationship, so the “transaction” ends up being somewhat equal. In the case of the gentlemen, he gets the ultra sexy trophy wife/girlfriend; and for the lady, she gets access to his pile of money. However, as I sat there and listened to Yoko prattle on about wanting to be with a rich guy, I wondered exactly what it was she would be bringing to the table for her future Mr. Wallet. Here comes that mindset of female-as-prize, or I have the vagina, so that’s my contribution and it automatically qualifies me. That may have worked in the past, but welcome to the New Economy.

I said, “Ok, so a banker or trader would be ideal, right?”
“Yes, someone like that would be great!” she responded, thinking maybe I was considering an introduction.
“So, as long as he’s a nice guy, you don’t really care what he’s like as long as he’s rich?”
“Yes, that’s right,” she said.
I switched gears. I said, “There’s a guy I know who loves stewardesses. He said he wants to marry one because he loves the uniform, and thinks it’s the sexiest thing ever. I asked him what he would do if he married a stewardess and she quit her job, relinquishing her uniform. He said that he would divorce her.” There were moans and jeers all around the table. They called him shallow and said they couldn’t believe such a guy exists. Table set, here comes the beef. I said, “What you’re saying isn’t much different from that guy. What if I had introduced you to my friend at Lehman Brothers a year ago? You would have done back flips about the prospect of spending his fat trader salary, and life would have been great for a few months, but then the global meltdown happened and the rug got pulled out from under the dream. What then? Now he is a salaryman, making a standard wage simply because that’s all that’s out there for him. And you know what? Since you did not marry for love, since you married for money, for convenience, you are left wondering what is in it for you. Maybe you’re thinking about divorce. Sound any different from the stewardess-lover? Nope.”

Silence. She had a look on her face like none of this had ever occurred to her.

SMS: How did this female-as-prize mindset come about?

CD: I think it happened during the bubble. There was cash growing on trees back then, and it was the era of girls dancing sans panties on the platforms at Juliana’s Tokyo. Fat city. Generally speaking, it was a seller’s market at that time, and it became customary for women to expect men to proffer up the good times and spoils if women were to accede to any post-date activity. Today, we’re dealing with the daughters of these women, young ladies who were socialized by those in this mindset.

There is a young woman who lives in the same building as I do. I met her for the first time a few years ago when she was still in high school, and now she is 19 and in college. She speaks three languages, is refreshingly peppy and internationally minded. She said she wanted to talk to me about university and her future to get a different perspective from what she is being told by all her Japanese advisors. We ended up going out to eat sushi, and she said, “My mom said to make sure that you are paying and told me to eat a lot.”
“Excuse me?!” I said.
“Yeah, mom said to eat a lot since you are paying.”
“Are you kidding me? Your mom needs a lesson in manners,” I said.
But the more I thought about it, I realized that this girl who was born in 1989–right at the end of the bubble era. Her mom was part of a group that was accustomed to milking guys for gorgeous nights out, lavish experiences, for material goods, and they used sex as a carrot, a bargaining chip. Now those women are teaching their daughters what they know and it’s completely anachronistic. The world changed under their noses while they were raising their kids.

SMS: Aren’t these women more an exception than the rule?

CD: That’s a good question. I am reluctant to even venture a guess at a percentage, but given Bloomberg is writing about them, and these marriage agencies are posting big numbers, they obviously exist in significant numbers. I run into them all the time. But you’re right, they are only a certain group, and do not account for the whole. I know some very hip, very cultured women. Most of them have spent time overseas, though. As I mentioned, I am in the ad industry, and pretty much everything we do sits on some kind of consumer insight study. My curiosity is piqued about this group of women the Bloomberg article talks about.

SMS: What else about the article struck a chord with you?

CD: Well, let’s take a look.

“Financial concerns are a major reason for the increase in marriage-hunting,” said Toshihiro Nagahama, chief economist at Dai-Ichi Life Research Institute in Tokyo. “Women are motivated more than ever to find a financially sound partner.”

Ever wonder what it is men are “motivated more than ever” to find? Another sound bite I hear a lot is that men are basically animals, and they are “only after one thing.” That makes life really easy, doesn’t it? If men are sex-crazed, base, overtime-working animals, then the equation is simple: keep them well fed above and below the belt, and all will be well. But it doesn’t happen that way. Have you seen that study about frequency of sex in various countries around the world?

SMS: Heard of it, yes.

CD: Durex, the condom company, did the survey, I believe it was in 2003. Greek people were sharing the love and the body fluids the most at something like 115 times per year, while the Japanese came last (no pun intended…perhaps) at 37 times per year. That is an average, so half the people are below that figure. I believe the DSM-IV defines a couple as “sexless” at a frequency of twice a month, or 24 times per year, so “sexless” is only a hair south of the national average.

If sex is so infrequent, what happened to the animal theory? I guess that went out the window.

“I know women before my generation worked so hard and pursued their careers so they could prove they’re just as good as men,” said Reiko Kubo, 25, who bought a good-luck charm at Tokyo Daijingu shrine. “They didn’t have to depend on men and that’s cool, but it’s not the path I want to follow.”

So in other words, “I want to depend on a man.” My question for Reiko Kubo is, “Why on earth would marry a guy just so you can depend on him? What happened to falling in love? What happens when you have to communicate and solve problems together and think about pursuing dreams? Do you have any dreams, Reiko?” Maybe I’m old fashioned. It seems absolutely insane to marry someone for practicality, and feel nothing. Think that might have something to do with the results of the sex survey?

SMS: Are some women thinking that marriage will make them happy?

CD: EXACTLY!
I was at Starbucks recently with a friend who was enthralled in a game on my phone, so I was left to endure the conversation that was happening to my right. Across from me was the married one. Next to me was the single one. Married was talking a mile a minute, spewing forth the same old hackneyed lines about how marriage changes everything, and there is no other choice but to suck it up and accept it. Single nodded in forlorn, unchallenging acceptance of every word. Married mentioned the dreaded one-year mark, when the big changes occur. Single agreed, “Yes, yes, you’re right. I have been with my boyfriend for one year now, and the love-love-talk has stopped.” She pouted.
Married: “You have to give up stimulation in favor of stability.”
Single: “Yes, I think I would much rather have stability, but I’m bored in the relationship. I don’t really feel like I know him and he doesn’t understand my feelings. He doesn’t understand onna gokoro.” [onna = woman; gokoro= heart]
It was like someone was shoving ice picks into my ears. The onnagokoro comment is a standard fallback when men do not behave as expected or desired–perhaps not complying when they ask for the expensive handbag. It drives me nuts, and it was the last straw. After fifteen minutes of this I had no choice but to break the sacred wa and jump into the conversation. They were both very startled by this. I said, “You are both crazy. Your concept of relationships is so boxed and caged it’s as if you read what you’re supposed to believe right out of a magazine.” They mentioned something about being surprised that I speak Japanese, another pat response as if a dog just started talking at them. I continued, “You see, you have it backwards. So many Japanese women put the cart before the horse: you think that if you get married you’ll finally be happy, if only, if only you could just wear the dress and walk down the aisle, then you could truly find bliss. But guess what, marriage is not the path to happiness, it’s exactly the opposite. Happiness is the path that leads to marriage. Only when you are truly happy with someone and you love them to the core of your being can you even broach the idea of marrying that person. Tough concept, I know.”
The enormity of this logic once again brings down the wide-eyed silence. They sat there, blinking.

“Japan’s husband hunters are pursuing relationships the way they might search for jobs: They interview at agencies — dating agencies, in this case. They attend networking parties or just let friends know they are ready for commitment. Iwate started her quest in December by writing New Year’s cards to 170 acquaintances from junior high school classmates to fellow dancers at salsa lessons, asking for help finding an eligible bachelor. Her five co-workers are in on the hunt, introducing each other to potential partners and putting sticky notes on the most useful pages of the “Complete Guide to Marriage Hunting” from “an an” magazine, a weekly publication for women in their 20s and 30s.”

I just about barfed up a blue fin tuna when I read this. The dragnet method of ensnaring your unsuspecting spouse. A guide to marriage hunting? What happened to the process of going out and meeting guys who you feel good being with, just being yourself, letting the progression take its natural course, building and investing in the relationship such that you may be able to spend your lives together?
Gosh, you think that’s maybe that’s how the Greeks do it?

“‘Looks Shouldn’t Matter’
“The issue included articles telling readers that, while it’s acceptable to choose a husband by occupation, ‘looks shouldn’t matter because they’re not essential to leading a married life. You need to consider men you normally wouldn’t date.‘”

This is hilarious–it’s more of that common wisdom regarding marriage or relationships. It reminds me of that email joke that has been circulating that said, “Women, remember this: the average size of a man’s penis is approximately that of a ball point pen, and if you actually feel something ‘down there’ this is known as orgasm.” So in other words, “If he makes you recoil every time you look at him and see him picking his nose, just remember, looks don’t matter when you’re talking about ‘until death do you part,’ and get ready for a sexless existence at the one year mark, this is normal in married life.” If you wouldn’t normally consider someone for a date, there is usually a good reason for it. Trust that instinct and follow it. Paul Gilbert, rock guitar player extraordinaire, is a friend of mine and he gave me some advice while I was looking for a new guitar. I couldn’t decide between the practical hollow body, or the sexy rock star axe. He said, “Choosing the right guitar is like choosing the ideal woman: you have to want to pick it up and play it every time you look at it.” I introduced him to the woman he eventually married and spoke at his wedding, and as a thank you gift, he gave me….a hollow-body. Ha! I love it, though. And I pick it up and play it every time I look at it. So much for “looks don’t matter.” Instead it should read, “If you’re marrying for money and convenience, any old halitosis-meister will fit the bill.”

“It listed character traits by job type: ‘Traders tend to be adventurous and forward-looking; pharmacists conservative and stable; sushi chefs patient and creative.‘”

“Advertising guys are fickle and only like women who can crack a joke, are comfortable in their own skin, and have sex 40+ times per year, so if this is not you, best avoid them.” Finding a mate is like ordering a hamburger. I know some very unadventurous, margarine sandwich traders, and some wildly sexy pharmacists who must be ingesting their products on the sly.

“It also cautioned against playing hard to get: Being coy ‘is strictly forbidden; men want to seriously date women who act natural.‘”

My first issue with this comment is the “men want to seriously date women” part. Ah, but I jest. Actually, with most things Japanese, it’s necessary to read between the lines, and I’m pretty sure I know what they are trying to accomplish with this statement. The “coy” or “hard to get” game is pervasive in Tokyo. Again, it’s a fallback from richer days, when one’s personal attempt to boost Japan off the bottom of the global sex frequency list involved Dom Perignon and Louis Vuitton–use your nether parts as a bargaining chip. I just doesn’t apply anymore, and doing so will keep you home alone on Friday nights.

Let’s say you are a Japanese guy and we put you on a subway. You see any of the women discussed here, and you walk up to her, smile and say, “Hi.” Chances are very good that she will recoil. If she is very shy, she may even change cars at the overtness of your gesture. After all, you are doing “nampa”, a word that is creeping into English that means “pick up.” Oh no! He is trying to pick me up, I had better get away from this aggressive guy who is only after one thing. Put her in Starbucks, and you lean over and attempt to start a conversation with the same result. These are the same women who are desperately trying to find a mate, yet will not have a conversation with someone they have never met unless it’s in a certain context. Such as…

“Business is booming at Green, a marriage-hunting bar in Tokyo’s nightlife district of Roppongi. Men pay 11,340 yen ($115) per visit to have waiters set them up with women, who get in free. The bar is booked solid on weekends, and membership is up 26 percent this year, according to owner Yuta Honda.”

…Green. Paying a hundred bucks to meet women is like paying to breathe air.

I have been told that establishments like this exist, but I am completely baffled that they are able to stay in business. Interesting that saying hello on a subway or in a cafe or elsewhere in public–the organic way people meet–is taboo and most often prompts a reaction like you’re some kind of social misfit who just whipped it out in church. Interesting also that the same woman who just snubbed you will go home, call up her friends, and whine about not having a boyfriend/husband. And on other side of the coin, a guy can drop a hundred bucks to get into a place where some waiters will attempt to hook him up; or a woman will pay thousands of dollars to register at a dating service, yet that’s perfectly acceptable, and obviously preferable.

“‘It sounds like a lot of money, but if you consider that it’s a way to find a husband, it’s a reasonable investment,’” she said while scoping men at Green.”

$3700 for 50 years of chocolate ice cream and afternoon tube, sounds like a pretty sweet deal, who could possibly complain about that?

I had a party last year at my house, and some friends brought their friend, we’ll call her Yuko. I had never met her, so when the convo finally found its way to her, I asked her all the usual questions. Yuko informed me that her husband works for the same company I do, she lives down the island from me, and she is “soooo excited because I just quit my job. I have already looked through the TV guide and planned out exactly what shows I am going to watch every day, and then at 5:00 PM, I’ll go to the supermarket and buy food for dinner, and watch this other show while I’m cooking, and then put the food in the fridge for my husband–he works late, of course–and I’ll watch these other programs while I wait for him to get home.”

“Wow. Sounds great,” I said with Steven Wright-like enthusiasm.
“Yes! Doesn’t it!” she said.
“You are going to rip your eyes out of your head at the two-week mark, a month tops. Your brain will reach a certain putrefaction level and you’ll start to scream out of sheer boredom.” Some enlightened female heads around me started nodding.

One of the girls brought up sex in the characteristically sneaky way that the vagueness of Japanese allows. Yuko informed us that she has not had any “contact” for close to three years. I just about fell out of my chair.
“Oh, well, my mother explained it to me. You see when you become family things change.”
“Family?” I asked. “What does being family have to do with it?”
“Yes, when you become family, then those elements of single life fall away. My mother said we must focus on our responsibilities and just know that there are certain things we no longer have. My mother said it’s just the way it is and it happens to everyone.”
“I think your mom is feeding you a steaming pile of rationalization, Yuko,” I said. “My grandfather reports to me–and everyone else–all too often that he was active until age 75, at which point he was forced to quit, but not due to a lack of desire or interest. Are you aware that babies die without skinship? They will just checkout for no apparent reason. Did you know that premature infants will gain weight 50% faster if the nurse simply strokes their backs for 10 minutes a day? Adults are no different. We need skinship, we need the attention, we need love. It’s part of necessary maintenance, and after all, why are we alive anyway?”

Once again, the silence ensued as gravity brought her reluctantly back down to earth.

About two weeks later, I was on my way home, and I bumped into Yuko. She ran up to me and said, “Chris! Thanks so much!”
“Sure, what for?” I asked.
“I got a job. I start work next week. I’m really excited.”
“Great, good for you,” I said. There was a pause, and she looked around a bit uncomfortably.
“Can I have your phone number?” she asked.
I handed her a business card that bears the same logo as those her husband carries.

SMS: We know that women are expending a great deal of money and effort to be beautiful. How could a woman be beautiful for you?

CD: For me, specifically? Ah, dangerous ground. First, since women obsess over physical beauty (and are ironically told to not care about it in men), I think natural, straight hair is great. I am not a fan of color contacts. When you’re on the subway, don’t stare at yourself in your hand mirror and move that one piece of hair back and forth, back and forth, it really won’t make a difference one way or the other. When you leave your house, you are done. Everyone loves a fit bod. Personality-wise, there are three traits that I absolutely love: confidence, radiant happiness and passion that comes from within her, and a total disregard for what others think of her.

Want to be beautiful? Smile. Smile at people wherever you go. Smile at guys in cafes who you find attractive. Give the pouty seductive looks, and guaranteed, they will talk to you. This is a thousand times better than spending a month’s salary on a glamor shot, or dating service. Learn to listen to your heart, get excited about a person, not their wallet, because as we’ve seen over the last few months, money can evaporate in the blink of an eye, but marriage is (supposed to be) forever. It will also serve you to get rid of the sex-as-bargaining-chip mindset. There is nothing positive about it.

SMS: What would you tell men?

CD: Guys, talk to women. What’s the worst that could happen? You don’t have to pay $100 to have some waiter do your work for you and haul women over. Go to speed dating events, start up a Mixi profile. Go to parties. Throw parties. There is a mountain of information out there on how to talk to women. The biggest consideration in speaking to women in public is context. If you walk up and say hi, you will activate the nampa alarm. However, if you look puzzled and ask for directions or something that is clearly just an innocent question and appropriate for the context, then you may be able to strike up a conversation.

SMS: Any final thoughts?

Throw out the common wisdom. It works like this: you meet, it’s fun. You decided to meet again, and do. It’s fun, and you decide to meet again. Pretty soon, before you know it, you will be dating. It should just sneak up on you. He doesn’t have to say any words of confirmation, you will just KNOW. Imagine that–trusting your heart enough to know when you are falling into a relationship. Just because he hasn’t said those words, confirming your suspicions, doesn’t mean he isn’t serious about you. Plus, words are cheap, anyone can say the words and not mean them. Your heart never lies, it will tell you all you need to know. There are no rules in love. Make your own as you go along. You will keep seeing each other simply because you want to. And then a day will come long when you realize that you could not possibly imagine life without this person. That’s when marriage is appropriate, and never, ever, ever before. Last thing: sex is good. Have more of it, like the Greeks do. The only way you’re going to get there is to drop the whole concept of “transaction”.